


The Interview

by Ivan_Beau (Allen_P_Walker)



Category: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gags, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allen_P_Walker/pseuds/Ivan_Beau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bob tries to interview the Prince of Lucis and his friends for a nationally beloved program. Emphasis on "tries".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Three Simple Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Final Fantasy XV characters are copyright by Square Enix and by their creator Tetsuya Nomura. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. This work is the intellectual property of the author, is available and intended solely for the enjoyment of adult readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

 

Bob stacked his interview papers neatly, crossing his ankle over his knee, and presented a smile at the four young men sitting on the couch in front of him. A fake plant stood next to them. A large screen with the Royal Crest behind them. The camera was on a stand, trained on them from an angle that caught everything, recording. Bob would edit it later.

From Bob's right, where the camera pointed, to left, sat a large man with his rippling torso exposed, (gotta hit the gym, thought Bob,) a tall, slender youth with milky white skin, jet black hair, and sky-blue eyes (oh my god, oh my god, the Prince!), another slender, blond man, and a very serious guy in glasses that stared fixedly at Bob with a calm exterior.

Bob cleared his throat, put on his professional smile, and spoke to the camera. "Good evening! And welcome to The Interview. We have an exciting program tonight, with four very special guests!" He turned to the four men on the couch, nodding at them. "Please introduce yourselves from right to left, starting with you," he said, pointing at the big guy.

"Gladiolus Amicita. Call me Gladio!" He gave a two-fingered salute.

"Noctis-"

The Prince was cut short by the bespectacled man, "He is His Royal Highness, Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crown Prince and Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Lucis!"

Bob fidgeted. Noctis blushed and glanced uncomfortably at the bespectacled man, though his perfect posture remained composed, unlike Bob's. Looking back at the interviewer, he added to his own grand introduction, "Call me Noct."

Gladio chortled and the blond man tittered under his hand. They immediately looked down to hide their amusement from the bespectacled man's cold glare.

"Ahem, well," started the blond man, scratching the back of his head with a crooked grin, "My name is-"

"Slim Shady," interrupted Gladio with a smirk.

The blond man rolled his eyes and continued, "Promto Argento. Friends call me Prompt cause I make quick work of the ladies."

"The ladies or yourself?" Noctis joked.

Laughing, Gladio put in, "In that case they'd call him Pronto."

"Or Too Pronto," answered Noctis.

Gladio tried to correct him, "Mucho Pronto?"

"Muy Pronto, you mean, if you're going for correct Spanish," corrected the bespectacled man, pushing up his glasses.

"You guys suck," quipped Promto.

"Could we get on with it, then? I am Ignis Stupeo Scientia, Royal Advisor to His Highness -"

"Here we go," muttered Gladio.

Noctis sighed. "I don't think all that is necessary, Iggy."

"Call him Iggy," said Prompto to Bob, laughing.

"Do not," warned Ignis, narrowing his eyes at Bob.

Bob gulped. He had to bring this under control soon, or it would be a disaster. "So, Gladio, Noctis, Prompto, and Ignis, thank you for this opportunity-"

"How come my name's the only one you decided to shorten?"

"Because it's a mouthful," Noctis said to the big guy.

"Hah!" Gladio looked about to retort, but Bob immediately jumped in.

"So, let's start off with a few simple questions before we begin answering fan letters."

"I bet most of them are from girls! We're so popular," exclaimed Prompto.

"The Four Musketeers," added Gladio.

"It's the Three Musketeers," corrected Ignis. "And then there's d'Artagnan, the youngest, who remains out of the loop."

Prompto sighed dejectedly.

Bob cleared his throat. "Anyway, first question. What are your hobbies? Starting with Gladio."

"I like working out. Training. Developing new techniques."

"Fighting," Prompto said through his fake coughing.

"Which works great as Noct's bodyguard. You know, doing what I like to do as a career." Gladio cracked his knuckles.

Bob restrained himself from wiping his forehead. "Ok. That's...nice. Noctis?"

"Sleeping."

Bob blinked.

At this, Ignis jumped in. "What His Royal Highness means, is that rest is very important to a monarch, whose responsibilities are enormous. So he considers the... _proclivity_ necessary to his daily routine." When he was finished, Ignis pursed his lips, annoyed at the snickers coming from his three friends.

Grinning, Gladio said, "He calls it sleeping. I call it hibernation."

"Good one," piped in Prompto and leaned over Noctis to high-five the big guy.

"That was a total fail," Noctis retorted cooly, arms folded over his chest.

Prompto straightened up eagerly. "It's my turn, right?"

"Go ahead," said Bob.

Clapping once, Prompto cried, "Alright! My favorite _proclivity_ is-"

"This is a family program, Prompt," interrupted Gladio.

"I know that! I was gonna use the G-rated version."

"Next," said Noctis.

Ignis turned to Bob. "Please forgive him. He's a plebian."

Prompto seemed to deflate.

"Come, now, Iggy," said Noctis, clapping a hand on his blond friend's shoulder. "You know he's sensitive about that."

"He feels like the fourth wheel," added Gladio.

"Well," said Noctis, "a third wheel is awkward, so four is good. Makes a moving vehicle."

"You realize, that's the most you've talked all at once since we got here," Gladio said to Noctis. "Finally awake, Princess?"

"All I needed was a kiss."

"Or a foot."

Prompto sniffed. "Yeah, but what he said was nice."

"As you can see," Gladio addressed Bob with a shabby imitation of Ignis' accent, motioning to the two youngest men in their group. "His Highness is a vessel of compassion and understanding."

"Shut up." Noctis folded his arms again.

Ignis spoke, voice rising a notch. "If you don't mind. I believe it is my turn to answer."

"This is gonna take all day," said Gladio.

"Knock it off, guys," said Noctis.

Prompto bowed his head and cried, "Yes, My Liege!"

"Anyway," continued Ignis, ignoring them. "My favorite hobbies are..."

Everyone leaned in.

"Cooking."

Prompto cried, "That's it?"

"What did you think it was?"

Scratching his head, Gladio replied, "We thought you just did the cooking 'cause no one else would."

"I knew," chimed in Noctis.

"Of course you did," said Ignis to Noctis. "You're the only one besides myself that actually listens. Perhaps all those naps do you well."

"See." Noctis looked smug.

"Next question," Prompto demanded.

"Ah, yes!" Bob scrambled to flip his cards. "What are your pet peeves?"

Gladio looked up, fingers on his chin. "Hmm, let's see. I would say it's going out on a trip unprepared. Gotta have camping gear in your trunk. Never know what might happen on the road, you know. Gotta be prepared."

When Noctis' turn came, his three friends answered for him simultaneously, "Alarm clocks."

"Actually," Noctis said smugly, "My pet peeve is being forced to eat something I don't like."

"Hmph," snorted Ignis.

Gladio looked at the prince dryly.

Prompto crossed his hands behind his head. "Well that is pretty annoying."

Noctis added, "After alarm clocks."

"Have I ever fed you something you didn't like," Ignis asked Noctis.

"No, you cook great."

Prompto pushed his glasses up. "Of course."

"Careful," Gladio teased, "You might get fired from your hobby."

Bob motioned to Prompto. "You're next."

"Oh, right! I hate it when they don't let me drive the car."

"That's because you crane your neck every time you see a pretty girl," Ignis snapped.

"Yeah, you're going to crash it one day," added Noctis.

"Aw, c'mon!"

Ignis cleared his throat. "My pet peeve is when someone makes fun of my accent."

Noctis and Prompto suddenly shook and leaned forward to muffle their chuckles.

Gladio smirked. "Oops!"

Bob flipped his cards. "Okay, last question before we begin with fan mail. What other jobs would you guys have liked to have, if you weren't who you are now?"

"Oh, good one!" Gladio scratched his chin. "I gotta think on this one."

Promto laughed. "Not a gigalo?"

"That would be you," quipped Gladio.

"It's okay," Bob butted in. "We can get back to you. Noctis? If you were not a prince,what would you like to do?"

Noctis stayed silent for a while.

"Shall we come back to you?"

"No. It's just...embarrassing."

"Ooh, what is it," Promto prodded.

"Video game designer."

Bob lifted his eyebrows. "That's interesting. Do you play video games?"

"Not as much as I'd like to."

Promto clapped him on the shoulder, "You need a girlfriend."

Noctis slapped his own face. "Shut up, Prompt!"

"Okay, my turn," Prompto piped up. "I'd want to be a race car driver!"

"Fate was kinder on you," Noctis retorted.

"What _do_  you do," asked Ignis.

"Err..."

"Alright," exclaimed Gladio. "I've got it!"

"What is it," asked Noctis.

"Professional fighter!"

Everyone stared at him wryly.

"Seriously, dude," muttered Prompto.

"You needed all that time to think of that answer," asked Ignis.

"Go easy on him."

Gladiolus grinned at the prince. "Thanks, Noct."

"It's the one muscle he hasn't worked out."

Prompto threw his head back laughing and Ignis chuckled.

Gladio suddenly grabbed Noctis in a headlock. "Is that right, Prince Charmless!"

"Nice one. Call me that from now on."

Gladio released him.

"Alright," said Prompto. "Guess it's you're turn, Iggy."

"Oh this is easy."

"Is it," asked Noctis. "Never would've guessed."

"How so?"

"You've been educated all your life to be my confidant. But now that I think about it, I guess there must have been something else that you might have wanted to do."

Ignis pushed his glasses up. "I have had alternative interests. None that superseded being Royal Advisor to His Highness-"

"We get it," interrupted Gladio. "So what is it?"

"A bounty hunter."

Everyone gaped at him.

"It's always the quiet ones," muttered Prompto.


	2. Fanmail?

"Ok, so, we asked our viewers to write questions for the Crown Prince and his retinue - we were swarmed by letters," Bob joked, laughing.

The prince's friends all laughed. Noctis scratched the tip of his nose with a small smile.

Bob continued, "We couldn't read them all in our show, but we gathered an interesting selection. You ready?"

"Shoot," said Gladio.

"Alright, here we go! First letter:

'Prince Noctis, when I first saw you, I thought you were the silent, brooding type. Now that I know you're very nice and you like a good joke, I was wondering if I could switch you with my boyfriend. Talking to him is like talking to a wall sometimes.' ...Angela Griffin."

Noctis' friends cat-called, while Gladio slapped him rather roughly on the back and said, "You're first fan letter, kid! What are you gonna do?"

Prompto egged him on, fist in the air. "Go for it, go for it!"

"I've never seen Highness with a girlfriend," said Ignis.

Gladio answered somberly, "He has a betrothed."

"At this age, that's tragedy," added Prompto.

"So what's your answer," asked Ignis.

Noctis folded his arms and said, "Whatever."

"Aw," teased Prompto. "I think we embarrassed him!"

"Shut up," said Noctis.

"Well," Ignis said, "If you're having communication problems with your boyfriend, I think it's best to talk this out with him."

"That's gonna be tricky." Gladio chuckled.

"I think she's on the right track," Prompto said. "Make him jealous. If Noct is too shy, I'm always available!"

With an eyeroll, Noctis scoffed, "That should give her a hint."

"Hey!"

Ignis said, "Anyway, I don't think Angela is serious."

"Maybe she's half serious," Gladio speculated.

"I have to marry Lady Lunafreya, anyway."

"Well Luna sounds nice enough," said Prompto. "But an arranged marriage? Even before you dated? Must suck."

Noctis shrugged.

"As long as she's not the type to wake him up from his naps, I think it's all good with him," Gladio joked.

"Hear that, Angela," said Ignis. "At least your boyfriend stays awake until the end of the day."

"Can we get on with the next letter, please," Noctis snapped. "My friends suck right now."

Bob cleared his throat. "Okay, next letter:

'Hey! You guys look cool. Type of people I'd hang out with. At least, I'm sure you guys wouldn't drag me around half the globe in search of vengeance, like some _other_ royals! You know, my country used to have a crystal kinda like yours...but then we were invaded by a greedy empire. Take care!'...Sky Pirate."

The guys stared, unable to come up with a reply. Bob laughed nervously. "A strange one fell into the mix, it seems!"

Ignis muttered, "That's horrifically ominous."

"Don't say that," cried Prompto. "You'll jinx it!"

Noctis frowned. "Gotta watch out for Niflheim."

Gladio nodded to Bob, "Keep em' coming!"

Flustered, Bob pulled out the next letter. "Uh...th-this one says:

'Don't trust those white cloaked ass-holes. Especially if they're blond! And hooded.'...Avalanche."

Bob wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Who arranged these," he whispered harshly into his earpiece, before turning back with his stage smile.

"Okaay," said Prompto.

"I agree," said Noctis. "I don't like hooded people."

Ignis asked, "Have you any letters with less dark content?"

"I'm sure there are! Hehe!" Bob went through the letters quickly. "This one seems safe!

'Dear, Prince of Lucis. Hope you are well. Running a kingdom is hard work, especially when you inherit it at a young age. At least you didn't have to escape persecution from a crazy ruler trying to kill you. I do hope it's easier sailing for you. Good luck!' ...Queen of Alexandria'"

Noctis fidgeted nervously.

"I don't like these letters," shouted Prompto.

"Relax," said Ignis calmly. "I'm sure all is well. We'll be signing a treaty with our most hostile neighbour soon. That's a good sign, isn't it?"

No one answered.

Bob searched frantically for another letter. "Ah! Look, here!

'What sports do you guys like to play?'...Wakka." Bob sighed with relief.

Gladio piped up, "Boxing!"

"I like basketball," jumped in Prompto.

"Chocobo racing," said Noctis.

Ignis stayed quiet a moment. Then answered,"Figure skating."

Noctis didn't look surprised but the other two looked at him funny.

Prompto scratched his head. "Deep beneath that cool, meticulous exterior, you're really weird, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you mean." Ignis pushed his glasses up, looking away.

"Figure skating is perfectly normal," said Noctis.

Ignis gave him a little bow. "Thank you, Highness."

"Not when it's a knife wielding wannabe bounty hunter," cried Prompto.

"Bounty hunters can have artistic streaks. Everyone has a soft side, Prompt," said Noctis.

Prompto goggled at him. "You're waay too understanding, Noct!"

"Hmph!" Ignis started, "His Highness is -"

"A vessel of compassion and understanding," ended Gladio.

"I was going to say perfectly open-minded. And will you stop interrupting!"

Noctis turned to Bob. "Let's get this going before they get too deep into it."

"Yes, of course! Next letter:

'Gladio, you are just my type! Go out with me. I sent you a picture so you'll know what you're missing if you dare to reject me.' ...Kuja" Bob handed Gladio the picture.

Gladio looked at it and tilted his head with a frown. Noctis leaned over to see, while the other two went around the back of the couch to peer over the big guy's shoulders.

Prompto scratched his head. "Is that a chick or a dude?"

"That's a chick," answered Gladio, full of certainty.

"I don't know," speculated Noctis. "That could be a very pretty guy."

Prompto shot him a grimace. "Yeah...right!"

"That's a man," stated Ignis. "With atrocious fashion sense."

"I don't know," said Gladio. "I think he's kinda hot. Looks like a chick to me."

"Look how he's dressed," Ignis pointed out.

"I like 'em slutty."

"Me too," said Prompto.

"So what's your answer," asked Ignis.

"Um, Kuja, you're very pretty, and, uh, you sound...like a nice...guy. But I already have someone I like."

"Who?" Prompto demanded.

"None of your business! Go back to your seat!" Gladio placed a huge hand on Prompto's face and pushed him away.

Prompto walked back and sat down in his place while rubbing his nose. "Didn't have to shove that beastly paw on my face!"

Bob read the next letter.

"'Hello! I'm looking for a girl with special powers being held captive by a militarily advanced nation. Have you seen her?'...rebel in Esthar."

Everyone blinked. Bob was beginning to sweat profusely.

Noctis cocked his head. "Is he talking about..."

"Can't be," Gladio replied uncertaintly.

"How do we answer that," asked Prompto.

"The more pressing concern is wether we _should_ answer," said Ignis. "Just in case they mean a certain acquaintance of ours, I say we leave this one be."

Bob took out another letter, immediately after that one. He frowned as he read it.

"'Never mind. I found her."...President of Esthar."

Everyone was mute for a moment.

Prompto cried, "What the hell was that!?"

"Weirdo..." muttered Gladio.

Bob was drenched with sweat as he sorted through the letters, trying to find a normal looking one. When he thought he found one, he gave a huge grin and cleared his throat.

"Next letter!

'Greetings. I have an inquiry for Prince Noctis, but first let me address a few issues I see in this, so-called, "royal retinue" which lacks efficiency and organization. Prince Noctis, you are too nice on those beneath you.

To that big baffoon, Gladiolus, you call yourself a bodyguard? I should send Rude to teach you how it's done. He is precise, skillful, potent, and most importantly, _quiet_. How a bodyguard should be: like a shadow.

As for this loony imp, Prompto, you remind me of my most annoying employee. I like to hit him. But at least he is a competent driver and pilot. Never in a million years would I let such a cartoon, as yourself, drive me anywhere. I have important places to go.

Mr. Scientia, I see you're the reason that "retinue" survives as such. You are pretty efficient. I should like to hire your services. See, my most efficient employee doesn't cook. Teach him, please. Elena's cooking makes me want to cry. And I don't cry. Or bleed. Most of the time.

Prince Noctis, where did you buy your car? I want one.' ...R.S."

Everyone goggled, including Bob.

Prompto finally came out of his stupor and shouted, "That was mean!"

"Well...," muttered Gladio, looking completely affronted. "And here I thought I brought life to this ' _so-called retinue_.'"

Noctis slapped him on the shoulder. "Sure you do."

"Careful," said Prompto sourly, "you're being too nice to those 'beneath' You."

Noctis smirked. "Well, this guy is a jerk but he's right. I am too nice on you guys. Maybe I should get myself a riding crop."

"Try it," warned Ignis calmly.

Gladio crossed his arms and glowered. "I swear, if you ever turn out like that, I'll knock you on your ass until to straighten up."

"Stop feeling salty," said Noctis, not hiding his amusement.

"I ain't salty!"

Ignis touched his chin in contemplation. "I suppose I could spare a few hours a day..."

"And, the Regalia belongs to my dad. I don't know where he bought it, I'm afraid. I just use it."

"Rich kids..." muttered Prompto.

"Man, next letter," pushed Gladio. "Throw that one in the incinerator!"

Bob continued, shaking and pale now.

"''Sup Yo! If you guys received a bitchy letter from someone that sounds like he owns the world, sorry, that's my mistake. I think it's that time of the month for my boss. He's been really cranky lately, so I dropped an ecstasy pill in his coffee. Or a couple. Anyway, shoulda known things don't work on Rufus Shinra like they do on everyone else. He turned from cranky to the Ironclad Bitch. Now he's writing every bitchy letter known to man. He tried to ship one out into space. Don't wanna ask who he wrote to there. And I think he pissed off that big black guy with the gun arm and he's coming to pay us a visit. Shieet!

P.S. You guys should have a chick in your group like we do. Girls are nice. They smell good and bring you coffee and shit'...Reno the [censored] Demon."

Everyone blinked.

Ignis scoffed, "What kind of signature is that?"

Prompto said,"that guy works for the other jerk?"

"Feel sorry for him," said Gladio.

"Well," said Noctis to the camera, "you should really stop drugging your boss."

Ignis added, "Also, that comment about women is a bit sexist. Who is to decide that a female has to carry around the coffee and such?"

"Take it easy, Iggy," Noctis comforted him. "No sweet, curvy thing is gonna steal your shine."

Both Gladio and Prompto snorted with amusement.

Ignis pushed his glasses up. "Anyway. Let us move on."

"Of course," Bob nearly sobbed (we're all getting fired!). "Next letter:

'Hi. Do you guys like to sing on balconies? My classmates think I'm weird. Not that I care what they think.'...Ace." Bob heaved a great sigh of relief.

"A normal letter!" Prompto pumped a fist in the air.

"As normal as can be with this selection, at any rate," Noctis pointed out.

"Do we like singing on balconies, eh," put in Gladio, as he leaned back comfortably, extending an arm over the back of the couch. "I think Ace deserves a serious answer. Well, I never tried it, so couldn't say. But it sounds like fun. I'll try it out right after this show."

"If your bellows don't disturb the peace."

"You mean your beauty sleep, Princess?"

Bob nodded to the prince. "What about you, Noct-" at Ignis' glare, "-is?"

Noctis didn't answer immediately.

Prompto responded instead, "Noct can be really shy, but I caught him singing once when he thought no one was looking."

"Highness must have the voice of morning birds," assumed Ignis.

"Yeah, seagalls at breakfast," replied Prompto.

"It wasn't that bad," Noctis defended himself.

Gladio looked intrigued. "What song were you singing?"

Prompto grinned. "He was singing and rapping. Some shit called Wu Tang Clan."

Ignis dropped his head in disappointment. "After all those years trying to condition an appreciation for classical in him."

Gladio laughed. "Eminem and Vanilla Ice. You two'll make one hell of a rap duo. And I mean _hell_."

"You're one to talk," snapped Noctis. "You'd probably sound like a hungry behemoth. ...and that song just got stuck in my head, that's all."

"Well, I sing a little every morning on my balcony," stated Ignis, pushing up his glasses. "It's a positive way to start the day."

"Sure it is," said Noctis.

"Hey, Prompt, what about you," asked Gladio.

Scratching the back of his head, Prompto tittered nervously. "Eh..."

"Yeah, come on," Noctis egged him on. "You must have quite the voice to be claiming that I sound like a seagall."

"Aw, don't be like that, Noct! I was messin' with you!"

"Don't back out now, Prompt," pushed Gladio. "Show us that sweet trill!"

"Wait," said Ignis. "Let me take off my glasses and secure them. I don't want them to shatter."

"Aw, you guys suck!"

"Alright," said Bob, looking relieved. "Last letter!"

"Shoot."

"Bring it."

"Is it from a cute girl?"

"Finally."

"Ahem:

'If a giant meteor was about to crash on your planet today, how would you spend it?'...Jenova."

Everyone was silent for a long time.

"Interesting selection indeed, Bob," said Noctis.

Bob bowed his head.

Gladio looked up in contemplation. "I hate to sound like Prompt, but my answer isn't appropriate for this program."

Prompto laughed. "Mine neither!"

"Yeah," replied Gladio,"But I would succeed."

"You two can spend it together then," Noctis said.

Gladio snickered and threw his arm around Noctis. "You really wanna go on national television? The things I could say..."

Noctis blushed.

"Now I'm intrigued," piped up Prompto.

"Leave him alone," ordered Ignis. "Highness, what's your answer?"

"I'd eat the best meal I ever tasted, then go to sleep."

Ignis grimaced wryly. "Really?"

"Hey, you want to watch a giant rock fall on you from the sky, be my guest. I'm going out with a peaceful nap!"

"What about you, Iggy," asked Prompto.

"I'd hunt."

Everyone stared at him uncomfortably, before Gladio ventured to ask, "Hunt what?"

Ignis pushed up his glasses with a secretive smile. Prompto shivered and Noctis stared at his Royal Advisor as if he were a stranger.

"Sometimes, he scares me," muttered Prompto.

Bob dried his forehead with his third handkerchief. "Well, that's all for today's special edition of The Interview! ...thank the gods."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much of an "interview" as it turns out, but oh well. Reviews always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> I borrowed the lines in which Gladio calls Noctis "Prince Charmless" and Noctis responds with "Nice one. Call me that from now on." from the demo - for those of you who haven't played it. :) Reviews welcomed!


End file.
